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Disney and Rogers are both titans of childhood; their creations are both beloved and immortal. As personalities, they are both studies in high standards, intensity, work ethic, and focusing on the details, from the size of Grumpy's finger to the velocity of popcorn.

But despite being cut from the same cloth, they each created very different garments over the course of their lives. One man was rigid; the other was flexible. One had something to prove; the other had something to share. One avoided any possibility of error; the other made room for inevitable mistakes and hardship through a belief in service and a mission greater than himself. One disengaged from those around him; one engaged fully and with authenticity. One craved approval yet was desperately isolated; the other craved intimacy and created a life based not on control but connection.

Despite such different lives, Disney and Rogers shared a core world-view, perfectionism, or the tendency to demand from ourselves a level of performance higher than what is required for the situation. Perfectionism can be healthy, with high yet reasonable and flexible standards, but it quickly becomes unhealthy when standards become unrealistic and rigid. Most importantly, unhealthy perfectionism demands we perform superbly simply to be sufficient as a person. It's not a diagnosis, though it can range from mildly inconvenient to downright paralyzing. Perfectionism comes both from within as a personality style and from all around us as a reaction to a demanding environment.

If you've been nodding in quiet recognition, this book is for you, whether or not the term perfectionism snaps into place like that final, satisfying puzzle piece. In fact, most of us with unhelpful, Disneyesque perfectionism don't see it as the overlapping center of the Venn diagram of our struggles. I, for one, didn't resonate with the concept until I started researching it for my last book, How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, and I'm a clinical psychologist who supposedly has a certain degree of self-awareness about things like this.

But it turns out you and I are in a very big boat. And the boat is getting bigger. Perfectionism is on the rise. In a bold 2019 study, Dr. Thomas Curran, author of The Perfection Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough, and Dr. Andrew Hill examined perfectionism in over forty thousand college students over a generation, from 1989 to 2016, and discovered that perfectionism was on a steady upward march. Over the twenty-seven years of data, young people became more demanding of themselves, more demanding of others, and perceived that others were more demanding of them.

Demanding a lot of yourself has probably gotten you a long way. I know it's bought me a lot. Since you're reading this book, I'll bet it's the same for you. But demanding a lot can also cost us. Perfectionism can take us down the road of Walt Disney—isolation, burn-out, chronic dissatisfaction. Luckily, it can also go the way of Fred Rogers—excellence, flexibility, magnanimity. And guess what? We can forge the path we take. We can learn to be good to ourselves even when we're wired to be hard on ourselves. Ready? Let's take a look.

PART I

INTRODUCING PERFECTIONISM

CHAPTER ONE

HOW WE SEE OURSELVES

Since you picked up this book, I'll bet you a jelly donut you identify with some part of Walt Disney's or Fred Rogers's high standards, intensity, work ethic, and commitment to doing things well. To outside observers, our lives make a lovely, framed photo of functionality, productivity, or having stuff figured out. The descriptions are flattering: overachiever, on top of everything, accomplished, successful.

But I'll bet you probably also identify with the hidden clutter just outside the frame of that lovely photo. I'm right there with you. We are our own toughest critics. Meeting our expectations for ourselves feels good temporarily but, like a burp, dissipates quickly. We have an internal cattle prod that drives us forward relentlessly, but we also get stuck in our own versions of reworking the size of Grumpy's finger or typing anxious stream-of-consciousness notes when we're supposed to be writing an episode script. Privately, we may feel like we're falling behind, inadequate, left out, or not like everyone else. Despite our eagle-eyed inner quality control inspector ensuring we do things correctly, we worry about letting others down, being judged, or getting criticized. We get called some dubious labels: type A, intense, task-oriented, driven, workaholic, neat freak. Too often, we feel like Walt Disney—lonelier and more isolated than we'd like, a feeling of disconnection that goals and tasks never seem to fill. We yearn for the heaven of Fred Rogers—compassion, purpose, community, belonging.

Don't get me wrong. Perfectionism confers some magical superpowers like high standards, strong work ethic, reliability, and deep care of others. But gone awry, it can subject us to a powerful riptide of I should do more, do better, be more, be better. We might look like we're hitting it out of the park, but we feel like we're striking out. For those of us who struggle with it, perfectionism is a misnomer: it's not about striving to be perfect. Instead, it's about never feeling good enough.

Interestingly, at the heart of perfectionism is something downright magical: conscientiousness. Conscientiousness is the least sexy superpower. Detail-oriented super vision! Single-handedly crush the marshmallow test! Clear the highest standards in a single bound! But it is the most potent trait for a good life. Dr. Angela Duckworth, author of the book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, and three colleagues examined almost ten thousand American adults and identified conscientiousness as the most consistent predictor of both objective and subjective success—it plays a role in everything from income to happiness to life satisfaction.

Conscientiousness is deeply rooted; the word dates from the 1600s and distills down to conscience, our inner sense of right and wrong. It means caring deeply—caring about doing things right, caring about doing a good job, caring about being a good person. We care deeply about, and for, those around us. But at some point, conscientiousness can tip over into unhelpful perfectionism.